4 AM

And Im sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen.

I can head D behind me snoring, I should go to bed but I cant sleep. Im too scared. Before the phone rang to tell me my nan had.... I was having a weird dream.

I dreamed that I was a doctor in a hospital. My nan was laying in her bed and I couldnt fix her no matter how hard I tried. I think thats how I knew what the phonecall was about.

I have the opportunity to say what I want to say at my nans service. Ive recorded it. Here it is:

Kia ora kotou katoa. for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Kara, and in my opinion, I'm the luckiest moko of all my nans mokos. This may not make any sense to you, but the way I see it, I AM the luckiest, because I was born first. I've been fortunate enough, out of all of us to have known our nan the longest.

I'm pretty happy with my time with my nan, I've been able to enjoy her for the best years of her life, I was fortunate enough to live with her for 6 years, and for 2 of them it was just the 2 of us. I think that time holds some of my most precious memories. I always took for granted that my nana would be there, for things to happen in the future. When I told her I was getting married, she was so happy, and that made me happy on the inside. Now, realizing that she's not going to be able to be there on the day and share the festivities with us, is a bit of a personal blow for me. I had always taken for granted how happy nan would be, you all know how she is, she fusses over everyone, and I was really looking forward to my nan fussing over me again.

Its still a shock for me, as I'm sure it is for everybody. I still haven’t grasped the whole concept that nan has gone to be with grandnan and pop. The other night when I was talking to Korrie on the phone, I kept waiting to her her ordering people around, or hearing her cough in the background.

But my nan, had a way of making everybody feel like they were the most specialist person, I've never seen someone who could pump someone up that much. When Danny came down to New Zealand, he always tells me he remembers when he was sitting in the lounge watching tv while I was putting aunty to bed, and Nan came home from her tipi haere round town. She came inside, had a huge grin on her face and a bag of Mc Donalds in her hand, and said she had stopped off to get it just in case he was there.

Aunty and I were quite looking forward to our Mc Donalds, till we realized that she had only bought Mc Donalds for him.

Who I feel for the most, is the younger kids though, I think Nan was important to everyone here today, at some point in our lives she's personally has touhed our hearts and made everyone feel that special. Some of us have been lucky enough to have had that experience on more occasions than one, and for that gift that she had, I'm truly greatful.

If I could have 5 more minutes with my nan, there are so many things I would have to thank her for. Thank you for loving me, for doing everything you could for me, for teaching me, for always having a place for me in your heart. For never minding, how many people I bought home, but just making sure they were comfortable. I will never forget you, and how much you have brightened my life. It was definitely, my honor to have been in your prescence all of theses year and I look forward to you watching over us all.. I've lit a candle to help light your way on your journey back to nan and pop.

I love you nan.

Its true. I do love you. You will always be with me.