Is there a life after someone leaves?

I dont know if I can answer that.

It’s a tough thought to even ponder, so at the moment ill say no, because that’s the way I feel. At the moment, my heart, body, mind and soul are functioning in unison. It knows what its doing.

I am crabby, sleep deprived, and bitter.

I haven’t eaten in 2 days, the thought of food makes my stomach churn, and not in a flattering way. If I eat something I know its going to come right back up, so Ill just cut the middle man out and drink my coffee instead. At least I know its going to stay down.

Since I got home from Coeur d’Alene I have existed on about 3-4 hours of sleep each night. No more, no less. I would sleep for longer if my body granted me permission to, but alas that is just not an option. Being as I've been having the freakiest dreams anyway, I'm really not interested in sleep either.

Last night was a weird dream. It was like when you watch a video and the video is zoomed in on something. Well in my dream I was watching a shovel. I still cant tell if the shovel was digging up a hole or filling a hole in, but it was doing something along those lines. I could distinctly see the square outline of a grave, from what it was passing the loose earth from or into. The hole was lined with feet, I could see shoes, men’s shoes, and womens shoes, childrens shoes, boots, all bordering the hole. And crying. Lots of crying.

The image never transferred to anything else, it just stayed that way, like a video stuck on a loop, with the shovel, shoveling but getting nowhere, as the people cried.

I know it’s a weird dream, but its what I saw. These funky dreams I think are part of the reason I'm scared to sleep. I have to be too tired to care I'm falling asleep in order to actually make the transition. Danny says a good visit to the shrink and some nice mild anti depressats would fix it. I'm usually one to argue the use of anti depressantns, but at the moment, a mixture of being too tired and partially agreeing with him leads me to believe otherwise.

I know it wont take away my pain, but my reasoning being if it can at least numb it for a while so I can forget its even there, that will be more than sufficient for me. And hey, if it warrants a trip to see a shrink, and that’s all going to work for me, who am I to object? Its for the betterment of my health right?

Or is it really, in the long run better for me?

So many questions, so little answers….