Rebuilding the bridge

Its been a little while since I wrote. Ill try catch up.

I talked to my mum last night. We haven’t always had the best relationship since I left home. Its weird because I've felt like no matter how hard I've tried to get things back to ‘how it used to be’ I've always come back unsatisfied, feeling like I put my hand out there to someone and they slapped it instead of taking it.

I'm not quite sure how things got this way, I just know that since I've moved here my relationship with her has decreased from a sliver to nothingness.

So last week, when I was feeling probably one of my lowest points, I figured I would call her. I needed someone to talk to, and usually when I feel that way, I call my Nan, but that isn’t really an option anymore. So I reached out to my mum.

And I was pleasantly surprised at the response. I'm not sure what I expected, but what I got was more that what I thought I would. She talked to me like I was human, she comforted me when I cried, and she offered me advice when I asked. I started to feel like I had a mum again in those moments. It was nice.

I had called her last week to ask if she could talk to the aunties about sending me something that belonged to my Nan, cause I was having a hard time reconnecting with her memories, and a lot of the time sat there feeling sorry for myself about not having anything with me that was ‘her’.

She informed me that they would be sending me some photos and a scarf that was a favorite of my Nan’s. I was thrilled. She also said that they were going to wait until we came home to sort through the rest of my nans belongings.

It was just nice to be on speaking terms again with her. Even though I don’t feel like everything is fixed, and I'm not sure it ever will be, I'm going to try my hardest not to harbor resentment for feeling abandoned. I sometimes wonder if I have replaced her in my heart with my dad, but I know that deep down I haven’t really. I just now have the relationship with my dad that I have always wanted. I always wanted to be my daddys little girl, I just never felt that way until I moved. We worked hard on breaking down a lot of barriers, and rebuilding our relationship from scratch, and I am extremely happy with the results.

I hope that the same can be said for my and my mum. I used to think I would have one or the other, but never both at the same time. I think my mind might be starting to change. As long as she can put forth enough effort to match mine, Ill be happy, because the last thing I want is to be that person reaching their hand out again, and feeling a sting on my hand from someone pushing me away once more.