Emotional

So for the last 2 weeks Ive been on hormones. Talk about mood swings. Its been tough Im sure on D but he fights the war well. I love him, he accpets me for who I am no matter what state of mind I am in.

Tonight we were talking about change. I ubruptly stated that I did not like change, and change was not welcome in my life. He told me that change happens, its nothing you can control. I told him that I hated change. Change has upset my schedule, and left a hole in my life. He asked why.

I told him, I want things to be back to how they used to be. I want my parents to be back together, I want my whole life to be the way I want it to be. Having no control over my live drives me completely insane. What we want is not always what we get and I dont like that.

For me, its always been, if I have wanted something I have taken it. I have worked my ass off to get myself in a position where I can have what I want. I can change the course of my life, but I feel helpless in knowing I cant change others lives as easily.

He asked me what I would change right know, if I could, and I said I would make my nan be back with my aunty again, so I didnt feel so lost.

And then proceeded to cry.

I blame the hormones. Entirely.

Its funny, we take so much for granted. I always thought when I went home, I could do what I wanted to do, go where I wanted when I wanted in my head. Now I feel myself being pulled to places by my heart. I thought when I went home, I could just ignore my mother, and not give her the time of day, as I felt she has done the same to me over the years. And it would be fine, "an eye for an eye" they say in the bible. I figured the only person I would really have to explain myself to would be my nan anyway. Im a much stronger person now than I was when I left.

I left a child, and stand today a woman in the world. I have overcome many obstacles and hardships in my life. I have been put through the hardest trials I will ever face at the most tender ages of my life, and yet have lived to tell the story on the other side. But this by far, is the toughest I have had to endure.

I am proud of me. At an innocent age of 21, I have seen and experienced more than people twice or triple my age will ever come to experience, some good, and some bad. But all have moulded and shaped me to be who I am.

It has taken me almost 22 years of life experiences, sadness, happiness and solice, to finally accept that its okay to put myself first.

Im not sure where this path will lead me, I expect many twists and turns, but I am willing, to step off the beaten road, and blaze my own path, and find where I want to be. Who knows where it will lead.